Welcome back ladies and gents. This is the final installment of our tale as you can probably tell from the title. I swear this is the last one. Hope you enjoy reading it.
Catching his breath as he entered a clerk looked over from nearby. “May I hel…. Dude are you okay?” Evo looked up. “Yes good sir I am quite fine, but I am here on a quest.” The clerk raised an eyebrow. “I am here to pick up the copy of Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor Overclocked for the 3DS.” Evo continued. The clerk quickly returned to the counter. “Yeah, sorry dude we just sold it.” Evo practically fell to his knees in disbelief. The clerk smiled sheepishly and spoke again. “Just kidding, we have been holding it all morning for you.” Evo let out a sigh of relief and approached the counter and pulled out his debit card. The clerk still chuckling at his ruse asked “Will that be debit or credit?” Finally, Evo would have his prize. After all that journeying, he would have his grail. Confidently, he said “Debit”.
“Declined?! What do you mean declined?!” Evo remarked confused. The clerk looked back at him. “I can run it again if you want.” Thus the process began anew. Again, declined. “Try it again…?” Evo stammered in disbelief at how could this be happening. Three strikes and you’re out, declined again. “What the bloody hell is going on?!” Evo looked about exasperated. “I just checked my balance…” then he paused and pulled out his phone once more to check his balance. $24.41. A shadow fell over his face. “FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUU!!!” he groaned realizing that in the time that had passed since he had so diligently checked his balance, his scheduled payment for another credit card had just cleared.
“What am I supposed to do now?” he thought to himself. He had come so far and the game was right there and yet so very, very far away. Angrily, he shoved his phone into the central pocket of his hoodie. At that point, at that very moment he heard a familiar crinkle. Oh that glorious crinkle! Like angels singing in the heavens above! Shaking, he placed his hand into the pocket and pulled out a miraculous wad of green treasure. He slowly unwrapped the bills like that special present on Christmas morn. The first a five… he held his breath… the second, a twenty. He grinned wider than a Cheshire Cat. Victory would be his this day. VICTORY… WAS AT HAND.
He had done it! He had purchased the game. The clerk smiled then and shook his head laughing at the look of pure accomplishment washing over Evo’s face. Proudly, he strolled out of the store and back to his car. The deed was done. Just as he was about to unlock his car his phone began to ring. Evo’s head cocked askew as he did not recognize the number. “Hello?” He answered. The voice on the other end of the line sounded familiar, like he had just heard it. “Is this Joshua Evo?” Evo responded “Yes this is he…” The voice continued. “Yeah, you were just in the game store and you forgot your game.” “SON OF A !@#$%^” Evo exclaimed. “I’ll be right there!” and just like that, Evo turned right back around. It seemed that his ordeal of a quest was not over just yet.
Ashamed and head hanging low, Evo returned to the game store. The clerk dangling the bag from one of his fingers laughing. “Forget something?” Evo grumbled “Yeah yeah…” Before could take the bag from the clerk the clerk pulled it away. “I have an idea. Hold out your wrist…” Evo was puzzled but begrudgingly complied. The clerk then looped the bag around Evo’s wrist securing it into place by tying yet another bag on. “There!” The clerk smiled, clearly pleased with his work. Evo laughed “Thanks, guy.” and once again he strolled back to his car.
Collapsing into the driver’s seat he rested his head back. “I did it.” Evo smiled. Sitting up, he went to put his key in the ignition when something caught his eye. His eyes instantly widened. How could he have not noticed until now? His fuel gauge was practically on empty and he still had another 2 hour drive left to get back. But he had no money! Whatever would he do? Panic started to set in. Would he be stuck here? How would he get home? When was the last time he ate anything?
Ah yes… Grilled Chesse at 7 pm… Yesterday. Crap. Back to the point. “I don’t wanna get stuck here…” he groaned. “Well here goes nothing! Hopefully, I will make it to the gas station” he mused and turned the key. The soft roar of the engine was reassuring for now but how long would it last? He stroked the dashboard softly. “Just keep on purring, baby” he commented as he began to pull out of the parking space. Thankfully, a gas station was not far away. As he pulled up to the pump, he wondered if he had enough money to pay for the fuel that would get him home. Sadly, Evo realized he did not.
Evo started thinking… and thinking… and thinking. Finally, he remembered that he had a card tucked away in the moth-ridden recesses of his wallet. A card linked to a shared account that was ONLY to be used in case of emergencies. This definitely qualified as an emergency! He could take money out now and pay it back later. Joyfully, he removed the card from his wallet and proceeded to saunter over to the ATM. Once there, he inserted the golden card into the machine and withdrew the princely sum of 6000 copper coins (pennies for those of you who don’t know coin composition and 60 dollars for those of you who suck at math). Bounty in hand, he approached the cashier and declared “40 dollars of gas for my chariot! Oh yes, that’s on pump 7.” He looked at the 20 dollars he had remaining. “THIS DAY, I FEAST” and with that he left the very confused cashier behind ne’er to think of him again.
Vrrroooomm… sputter sputter… Just kidding. The car started just fine, for Evo was not stranded. But alas, was dismayed that he could not find a location near him at which to quell his hunger and Evo had a long journey ahead of him. Once, home he would rest and most likely play some relaxing (albeit in his words, ‘frustrating as all hell’) games of Street Fighter x Tekken and call it a night. He hit the highway. Then he hit the traffic… Now with the ever increasing pit of hunger growing in his stomach what would our hero do? Nothing. The poor guy sat in traffic for a grueling FOUR hours before he hit familiar turf.
After the long trek, Evo was home… finally. With game in hand and five-dollar-footlong- meatball sandwich in the other (this WAS a Tuesday after all), he was home. After securing the loot on his bookshelf, he turned on the television, powered up the PS3 and gracefully (well, not really) dove on to his bed. Unwrapping that glorious footlong (it’s a sandwich, get your mind out of the gutter), tears began forming as he brought the gigantic footlong to his mouth (can’t unsee it now can you?). After taking a bite, Evo paused and smiled to himself. He got up out of his bed and looked toward the ceiling and thrust a clenched fist into the air. “I AM A GOD AMONGST MORTALS!” he bellowed. The rest of his evening and the events leading up to him giving me the game were rather uneventful and boring. The End.
Ah, yes… I forgot to address one last thing. Why, oh, why did little Evo not buy the game on the internet? He claims it’s because it didn’t occur to him until I started writing this article. My professional opinion? He lives for the challenge.
Oh yeah one last thing.. I have since traded it in for store credit. I’m an asshole. Just kidding. I’m not THAT mean.